Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
This week grows old. Many things about this week are old in and of themselves. I am so tired of arguing with Ryan or arguing with Brenda.
Earlier this week we got a note from school regarding absenteeism. He has missed Senior Seminar class a total of 17 times. The teacher called me at work on Monday. He relates that he has serious concerns about whether or not Ryan will graduate. He has so many missing assignments and absences that it will be difficult for him to overcome the deficiencies. I sent an IM to Brenda and she asked me to get his number and she would call him back. Later Brenda called Ryan on the carpet about it. She told him that she was done giving him money etc while he continued to fuck off.
As the week continued Ryan is talking about joining the service. He has been talking to a Marine recruiter as well as an Army recruiter. He is interested in becoming a ranger or something along that order. It appears to me that he realizes that he has fooled around for so long that he is unable to rely on his football prowess to land him a scholarship. Since he has never buckled down and done his best academically I think the reality is that he is aware of the tremendous amount of discipline and self denial that would go into him pursuing college at this point. Wrapped in and around that is the lack of history, the kind of history that involves a series of positive results based on reliance of the individual on his own integrity. If Ryan had the level of integrity necessary he would never have stolen from me.
Last night Brenda & I went to the Starlight Cafe & Bar located on Powell in Portland. Today is Shani's birthday and Larry's band was playing. We stayed about 2 hours. It was very smoky. Larry and his band were quite good. They played in a bluesy rock style reminiscent of of Led Zeppelin in the 1970s.
Ryan told us he would be out for a bit in the evening. And that he intended to get a good nights sleep in preparation to be up at 5:00 am . He planned on going to Davidson's and applying for a job. As it turns out he showed up at Noon. He spent the night at Sara's house. When we asked him about why he didn't come home as planned he became very defensive. He was rude and spoke over Brenda. When I started to talk to him he soon lashed out in the same way. He stormed back up to his room while indicating that he was upset with the way we are always getting down on him.
A few minutes later Brenda went up to his room. Their conversation soon devolved into an argument. Brenda came downstairs nearly in tears. It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut and keep my cool. My first inclination was to go up and confront Ryan once again. I knew that going through the laundry list of grievances once again would reach the same conclusion once again.
Our uneventful morning took a bad turn. Brenda was upset with Ryan and became cold and distant. All interaction with her became a chore. She became rude and and caustic when involved in basic communication. Soon she left in the Suburban with Rufus after an altercation with me.
I wish that we were more of a team. I hate the feelings that go along with the way I am treated when she is upset. It seems that I am the first to bear the brunt of her wrath and the last to feel the comfort of her love.
Earlier this week we got a note from school regarding absenteeism. He has missed Senior Seminar class a total of 17 times. The teacher called me at work on Monday. He relates that he has serious concerns about whether or not Ryan will graduate. He has so many missing assignments and absences that it will be difficult for him to overcome the deficiencies. I sent an IM to Brenda and she asked me to get his number and she would call him back. Later Brenda called Ryan on the carpet about it. She told him that she was done giving him money etc while he continued to fuck off.
As the week continued Ryan is talking about joining the service. He has been talking to a Marine recruiter as well as an Army recruiter. He is interested in becoming a ranger or something along that order. It appears to me that he realizes that he has fooled around for so long that he is unable to rely on his football prowess to land him a scholarship. Since he has never buckled down and done his best academically I think the reality is that he is aware of the tremendous amount of discipline and self denial that would go into him pursuing college at this point. Wrapped in and around that is the lack of history, the kind of history that involves a series of positive results based on reliance of the individual on his own integrity. If Ryan had the level of integrity necessary he would never have stolen from me.
Last night Brenda & I went to the Starlight Cafe & Bar located on Powell in Portland. Today is Shani's birthday and Larry's band was playing. We stayed about 2 hours. It was very smoky. Larry and his band were quite good. They played in a bluesy rock style reminiscent of of Led Zeppelin in the 1970s.
Ryan told us he would be out for a bit in the evening. And that he intended to get a good nights sleep in preparation to be up at 5:00 am . He planned on going to Davidson's and applying for a job. As it turns out he showed up at Noon. He spent the night at Sara's house. When we asked him about why he didn't come home as planned he became very defensive. He was rude and spoke over Brenda. When I started to talk to him he soon lashed out in the same way. He stormed back up to his room while indicating that he was upset with the way we are always getting down on him.
A few minutes later Brenda went up to his room. Their conversation soon devolved into an argument. Brenda came downstairs nearly in tears. It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut and keep my cool. My first inclination was to go up and confront Ryan once again. I knew that going through the laundry list of grievances once again would reach the same conclusion once again.
Our uneventful morning took a bad turn. Brenda was upset with Ryan and became cold and distant. All interaction with her became a chore. She became rude and and caustic when involved in basic communication. Soon she left in the Suburban with Rufus after an altercation with me.
I wish that we were more of a team. I hate the feelings that go along with the way I am treated when she is upset. It seems that I am the first to bear the brunt of her wrath and the last to feel the comfort of her love.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Today we went to the funeral of Linda Roth. IT was in Cottage Grove. Brenda & I drove down together. There were a lot of people there.
Mom is still at my cousin Terry's house. I am ready for her to come home. I hope she is feeling better.
Last week Grandma received the calendar I had printed from photoworks.com. She like it a lot. Unfortunately they included an invoice with the bill of lading. She was not happy that I spent so much money on a calendar. I have also ordered her a box of honey bell-tangelos from Cushman's of Florida. We have already eaten the box I ordered for us. I know she will enjoy them.
Mom is still at my cousin Terry's house. I am ready for her to come home. I hope she is feeling better.
Last week Grandma received the calendar I had printed from photoworks.com. She like it a lot. Unfortunately they included an invoice with the bill of lading. She was not happy that I spent so much money on a calendar. I have also ordered her a box of honey bell-tangelos from Cushman's of Florida. We have already eaten the box I ordered for us. I know she will enjoy them.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
January 2, 2008
Today I had my last appointment with Dr. Murphy.
I took Brenda with me to the appointment. I wanted to make sure that I fully verbalized the way methadone has changed my life for the worse. We had our pre-appointment with Jennie the pharmacist. That part went very well. When Dr. Murphy came in there was a big difference. I don't think I finished one sentence that she did not interrupt. She did not want to hear what I had to say at all. As soon as I started a sentence she would guess at what I was going to say and cut me off. It fast progressed to the point that she suggested I change to another doctor. (I had already began the process by requesting a form from the patient advocates office last week.)When I told Joanie what happened she told me that I would be much happier with Dr. Ward. I hope so. Dr Murphy explained that she would prepare him for me so I will do my best to get off on the right foot with him. My first appointment is on the 14th.
I took Brenda with me to the appointment. I wanted to make sure that I fully verbalized the way methadone has changed my life for the worse. We had our pre-appointment with Jennie the pharmacist. That part went very well. When Dr. Murphy came in there was a big difference. I don't think I finished one sentence that she did not interrupt. She did not want to hear what I had to say at all. As soon as I started a sentence she would guess at what I was going to say and cut me off. It fast progressed to the point that she suggested I change to another doctor. (I had already began the process by requesting a form from the patient advocates office last week.)When I told Joanie what happened she told me that I would be much happier with Dr. Ward. I hope so. Dr Murphy explained that she would prepare him for me so I will do my best to get off on the right foot with him. My first appointment is on the 14th.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Years 2008
What a sucky day. Brenda and I made plans to go out for a couple of drinks at Claim Jumper. Brenda invited Marna & Perry George to meet us there. W spent 2 hours listening to Perry talk. When we left I could hardly wait to get away from them. Seems that Brenda enjoys her time with them so much that she walked down to the local bar to meet them. She left her phone at the house and after a few words with me she was gone. At 4:00am she is still at their house. I drove by and could see Brenda & Marna on their back porch smoking cigarettes.
I went into the office and worked for several hours. It is now 7:00 am and I haven't heard from Brenda at all.
I went into the office and worked for several hours. It is now 7:00 am and I haven't heard from Brenda at all.
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